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#T2Fiction: My e-commerce mercury is in retrograde

I am the urban que-ursed!

Nairita Mukherjee NotThatNairita 24 July 2018, 5:44 PM
T2 Fiction
Not cursed, queursed. It's high class cursed

Not cursed, queursed. It's high class cursed Image: Thinkstock

I am just a girl, standing in front of the door, waiting for the doorbell to ring...

But it doesn't. It doesn't goddamn ring because my food order has been cancelled and the dress I ordered is lost in transit. And this... is my story.

I identify myself as "tired," like how comedian Hannah Gadsby described it in Nanette. It means I am completely and utterly dependant on apps. After all, they are meant to make life simpler, right? My groceries, my food, my clothes, my plumber, my salon, you name it and I have an app, maybe even two, to show for it all. And things were great until my e-commerce chakras misaligned. The app-gardians (mandatory Thor reference) were no longer smiling upon me. 

Kya???

Kya??? GIF: Giphy

It all started last December, just before my birthday. The dress I was supposed to wear never arrived. If this was an Ekta Kapoor serial, pooja ki thalis would crash to the floor followed by dramatic close-ups of my face from Ram Gopal Varma-esque angles. And, of course, thunder and lightning for special effects. I fought with my blood (yes, there was blood. My thumb... it was very sore. And it counts) on Twitter, using all the politically correct language and the right hashtags I could muster. The battle raged on until February, but the dress never came. I lost the battle, but it was far from over.

A friend's going-away gift needed to be delivered to Delhi. It was delivered in due time, only for me to realise two months later that it was not what I had ordered. (How could I have ever known? It was a gift!) *screams internally* The app gods were playing a mean, cruel, joke on me. I fought — mostly the urge to break out into a series of profanities — on Twitter and email. Yes, I had to call upon the big guns because Twitter's 280 characters were too few to depict my angst. It was like a 300-against-a-million scenario. But like King Leonidas and the battle for my dress, I lost that battle, too. 

Why you little rat &^*%^%* !!!

Why you little rat &^*%^%* !!! GIF: Giphy

Moving on to my other non-shopping woes.

Defeated, dejected, disgruntled, I started homeward. My chariot arrived 20 minutes late, but not at my location. The charioteer laid out my quest to find my ride with an emphatic "There's a tree and there's a mandir" — neither of which are particularly scanty in Mumbai. But I was willing to overlook that. Wading through the self-loathing, and the potholes, I reached my (truly) humble abode. Tomorrow will be a new day, I thought to myself, and then the phone chimed. Twice. I was just charged twice for the same ride! *breaks whatever was at arm's reach*

While I was at war, my only respite was the creamy chicken and mushroom lasagna I had ordered for myself. I was going to eat myself to sleep. You know the feeling. The clinking of the spoon and the fork was going to be my lullaby. The wait was long, but it was worth it because good things come to those who wait. But it didn't. An app-gardian informed me that the Bifröst (bridge) had been destroyed and they were unable to get in touch with the restaurant in the other realm. That night, I wept like a baby.

Hello darkness, my old friend

Hello darkness, my old friend GIF: Giphy

The next morning, I chatted with an online jyotishi, and it told me what I was dreading the most. "You are the urban queursed!" The urban queursed, like the urban broque or the urban poor, is high-class cursed. It is the result of the misalignment of your e-commerce chakras and it can last an eternity. There is truly just one remedy — returning to a simpler life, independent of apps. Which means going to the local market to buy groceries, cooking with the said groceries instead of ordering out, waiting for the coveted Zara sale, then elbowing your way into the store and playing snatch with the woman eyeing the design you want, taking the train or the Metro and praying to the actual gods that the bridge doesn't collapse on you, so on and so forth. The plus side is that you can save a lot of phone memory, which means you can happily Netflix and chill on the mobile app.

"Network error: There is a problem connecting to Netflix."

D'oh! 

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