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The forbidden fruit of our childhood, Boom, is on Netflix. And we dared to watch it

Netflix wants millennials to watch Boom. Challenge accepted

Nairita Mukherjee Noir_Memoir 29 March 2018, 10:15 PM
Sometimes, Boom is just a bane

Sometimes, Boom is just a bane Imaging: Tapasri Saha

Netflix is a boon in a lot of ways. It suits our binging pattern perfectly. And then it provides a platform for many-a-deserving films and gives them a worldwide release. But then, it is also a Boom in some cases. And then, it's just facepalm. 

The Kaizad Gustad directorial, 2003 release Boom, is every cinema lover's worst nightmare. Because it lures you with its ensemble cast, then whams you on a concrete floor by refusing those actors the scope to act. So, when Netflix added Boom to our watch next list, you know, given that Amitabh Bachchan and Katrina Kaif are reuniting in Thugs Of Hindostan, we had to rise to the occasion.

It was the worst two hours of our life! But we are not here to state the obvious. We are going to talk about everything we felt — including an itch in our right palm from wanting to slap someone — through this two-hour-long purgatory.  




What is papad?

It's about precious diamonds, each worth Rs 100 crore, stolen to be smuggled out of the country. Gangsters who terrorise the whole world will obviously not refer to diamonds as diamonds, right? That's too mainstream. So they refer to diamonds as papad. "Mere papad kahan hai?" Jackie Shroff asked three skimpily clad 'model-type' women. "Maine tumhare papad nahi liye. Main kyu lungi tumhare papad?" was the response. Yes, that's what one of them said.

Who are Bade, Medium and Chhote?

Boom has three dons because one wasn't enough. Each has his own special name he is referred to as in the business (Like Roger Federer is referred to as G.O.A.T.) So Amitabh Bachchan, the biggest don of them all (both in rank and age, but not in I.Q), is called Bade. And the smallest of them all, Jackie, is Chhote. Fair enough. But then, what do you call the man who is stuck in the middle? "Medium," said a voice during the director and writers' brainstorming session, who obviously had no creative sense whatsoever. 





Where was Katrina Kaif, Padma Lakshmi and Madhu Sapre's clothing budget spent?

Katrina, Padma Lakshmi and Madhu are models. And if you didn't get that by their wooden expressions, you ought to get it by their clothes. Or the lack of. Kat was given nothing more than kerchiefs to cover her bosom, and Madhu at one point had taped a piece of white satin over her bust. Padma Lakshmi was better off than the two of them, she had stitched clothes.

Why does the film sound like the Hindi Avenger's trailer?

The reason is that Boom was shot in English and then dubbed in Hindi. The dialogues were translated (mostly literally, which is never a good idea). Problem is, when you know exactly how Amitabh, Jackie, Gulshan Grover and the likes sound in Hindi, the dubbed voice just pops a vein in your head. When Big B said "Aing" the umteenth time in that dubbed voice, that's when I felt like slapping someone. 




Why is Zeenat Aman dancing?

Zeenat plays 69-year-old Amitabh's 42-year-old secretary. She reads his morning newspaper to him, takes him out shopping — he is obsessed with comic books and toys — and basically runs his business for him, which includes smuggling and human trafficking. But every morning, after she's finished reading him the paper, she hops onto the giant table in the conference room and starts dancing to Dum Maro Dum. Why? Is it supposed to be funny or sexy or just irritating? Don't ask questions I don't have the answers to.

How much did The Times Of India claim from Boom in a defamation lawsuit?

Big B's business of human trafficking isn't going that well. Because the women he gets are not 'model-type.' Solution? Get hold of all the Miss India girls. "Vineet Jain ki property hai, manega nahin," Jackie tries to explain to Big B over the phone. What the hell was that? Again, don't ask questions I don't have the answers to.





Who wins?

I know who's the biggest loser here, but I'm not going to tell you. On a serious note, in some convoluted ways, the womenfolk win. The three dons shoot each other, see I told you they had zero I.Q, and Katrina, Padma Lakshmi and Madhu now live in a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, over sackloads of cash. Who is running the business? Zeenat is. She doesn't dance anymore. She has hairy-legged men dancing to Dum Maro Dum for her.

PS: Unfortunately, Netflix has the edited, censored version of Boom. Even Netflix knows we can't handle the whole deal.

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