The Veeres in Veere Di Wedding Image: Twitter
I usually love my job — wake up in the morning and catch the first day first show of a film or the press screening a day earlier — but then there are times when I am so disappointed to see the intermission sign because I can't believe that there's more of it left, and all I want to do is throw my press card in the air and walk out.
Kalindi aka Kareena Kapoor Khan has a nervous rash on her neck she starts scratching when she is stressed. I had that scratch for the last three hours, non-stop. I'm going to fix a doctor's appointment now, but till I do that, here's Veere Di Wedding for you in 5 points.
Bear with me for I am a bit disoriented.
Is the film a desi cocktail of Sex And The City? Yes, but a bad cocktail. A cocktail you'd send back and ask your waiter to get a new one, a better one. Words like sex, orgasm, hook up, and all the Hindi equivalents are thrown around like tadka on dal — great until you invariably bite into a fenugreek seed. Methi in Hindi, like orgasm is charam sukh.
Spot the logo
So the film follows the life of four friends — Kalindi, Avni (Sonam Kapoor), Sakshi (Swara Bhaskar) and Meera (Shikha Talsania). But it is actually an extended ad campaign with blatant product placements. Everyone uses HSBC cards, the Veeres carry Bikaneri bhujia to Phuket, Swara flaunts her Calvin Klein like Saif Ali Khan did in Salaam Namaste over a decade ago. The film lacks a coherent plot so badly that after a point you just give up and play the 'spot the brand' game. Oh, Range Rover, Tata... Uber, there's no end.
Remember the iconic scene from Sholay where Gabbar asks Basanti to keep dancing if she wants Veeru to live? If Sonam was asked to act to keep Veeru alive, he'd be haunting us right now. The good thing, however, is that Sonam doesn't even try. Phew! I mean why waste time on something that's never going to happen, right?
Swara on me that you won't try it again
Swara may be a badass on Twitter, and a dream in Anarkali Of Arah, but she is not comfortable being Sakshi, the foul-mouthed, smoking, drinking bitch with a heart of gold. She tries her best to pull it together but she was as awkward at being boisterous as Sonam was, well, acting. The things you do for your friends, right Swara? (Raanjhanaa, Prem Ratan Dhan Payo, Veere...)
The message that the film wanted to put across was loud; however, anything but clear. Equality perhaps, if men can swear so can women? Or that women are driven by carnal desires as much as men are. Whatever it was, it remained as illusive as the the director, Shashankh Ghosh himself. By the way, where was he? Did he yell 'action' and take an Uber Pool out of the sets? (There's your product placement right there)? Cuz he sure as hell wasn't giving any directions to the film, the actors, or even the DOP for that matter who seems to be a fan of close crop shots and nothing at all, and the only time he zoomed out was to show the villas in Phuket. I'm guessing the resort paid for it. Product placement, you see.
My only takeaway from the film was that the ridiculously watered-down coffee they serve at the theatre — I needed four of them actually to survive the torture — is actually not that bad. Or perhaps, when compared to something like Veere Di Wedding, anything seems great! And Sumeet Vyas. Please don't ever subject yourself to something like this ever again, however lucrative it may appear to be.