Get ready to blow your brains out. Literally Image: SKF
Film: Race 3
Cast: Salman Khan, Jacqueline Fernandez, Anil Kapoor, Bobby Deol
Directed by: No one, apparently. But Remo D'Souza namesake
You will like it if you liked: Any Salman Khan film
You know it's a bad year for cinema when Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is not in 3D but Race 3 is. What more could 3D offer in a bhaijaan film? His shirt would still rip apart at the opportune moment. His dance moves would still put Govinda uncle to shame. His romancing would still make the bile rise in your throat. But it sure did outline the 53-year-old 35-year-old's (we'll get to that in a bit) wrinkles, if that was at all the intention.
I'm going to rip the film apart like Sallu ripped his shirt towards the climax. So, if you're a bhaijaan fan, turn around now for I don't want to be bullied on social media. If you're a cinema lover, however, take a seat, let's mourn the death of this brilliant art form together.
As stale as a Daisy GIF: Giphy
Daisy not-so-sexy Shah
Throughout the film, she's only seen wearing pelvic-high slits, except that scene where she rips her red dress. Now, she was going into hand-to-hand combat knowingly, so she could have unleashed her inner Lara Croft. Instead, she chose a bodycon midi, something I'd avoid even if I was taking the local train in Mumbai. Why? That's something the film is full of.
Badass Babua GIF: Giphy
Anil what-a-player Kapoor
Daisy and Saqib Saleem are twins (ROFL) and Anil is their father. And when the twins are not conversing with words, they have a very specific sign for him — caressing their chin like a beard. Again, why? Anil, from the heartlands of Handia, often breaks into immaculate Bhojpuri when conversing with his kids — dressed in three-piece suits, stepping out of a Rolls Royce. Out of place? Yep, when Salman tries to do the same, but perhaps there's something about Anil's inherent Lakkhan-ness that makes it work.
You know Salman loves his bodyguard, Shera, right? Well, Bobby plays Shera in the film, only he's called Yash. When a voiceover introduces us to Yash, he is referred to as 'lovable, but lethal' and I swear I had left-swiped on that Tinder bio just yesterday. What can you say about a film where Bobby's acting looks good? And dancing. Whatever the song is (Allah duhai, Selfish, etc) Bobby breaks into his Betaabiyaan step from Gupt. Well, some things do come back in fashion, that step, however, isn't one of them.
Jacqueline pole-dancing Fernandez
There was a time in Bollywood where dream sequences would invariably be shot in Switzerland and female leads would be expected to slither in chiffon while the men layered up. Today, they are expected to pole dance and do splits. When they said times are tough for female actors in B-Town, they meant it. I don't remember anything she said because her dialogues were written in parseltongue (the language of serpents, cue: Harry Potter), which is great because I already had a headache from the dialogues the others were mouthing anyway. Psst, my fave? When Daisy says, "Usse dil khol ke nahi, Dell khol ke batao." Take that as product placement, Veere Di Wedding!
Mediocrity Mubarak GIF: Giphy
Salman spoofy Khan
On Salman aka Sikander's 25th birthday, he received a video (Jagga Jasoos, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, anyone?) from his mother. How do we know he's 25? He had fringes. Fringes! Cut to 10 years from that day, he's 35 now and looks like, well, that. The only dating he's capable of now is carbon dating, but he is actually dating Jacky. And you know theirs is a perfect relationship because she loves to pole dance and he's as stiff as a pole in every dance.
It's 2018 — Rolls Royces and Hummers are flying around like bats in the film, yet the Race family — Salman, Anil, Daisy, Bobby, Jacky and Saquib — are inherently tribal in nature. You know how people would dance around a fire in a sort of power dance to prove one's superiority over another and thus resolve conflict? In Allah duhai that's what they're doing with a constipated look on their faces. Why?
As an afterthought, Race 3 is truly a medicine for depression. I spilled my coffee multiple times laughing at the film (not with it) and came out feeling better about myself. If I can survive that national embarrassment, I can survive anything.